Holiday Season Behaviour Tips

The holidays CAN bring much joy.  We see friends and family and that CAN be great!

Society does seem to have gotten coarser and less civil.  Your attendance at gatherings is desired.  This is reality, not a reality show.

I’ve found that a few simple rules apply to having a good time.  Remember that you can only control your own behaviours – not other’s.

I believe:

1. All families are dysfunctional.  Some worse than others and bad things happened.  Mental illness is real and affected more than the sufferer.  Bringing those stories out in the open just prolongs the grief and pain.  If you need it, seek help – sometimes a close friend can just listen as you air your stories, sometimes therapists help, sometimes your faith or talking to a faith practitioner helps . . . Holidays are never the time to surface old grudges.  Why bother?  It just spreads the hurt.
2. I’m an old guy.  I use the 15 minute rule when I’m at friends’ or family gatherings.  Everyone can talk about their health issues to catch people up (because we care), but then we stop and move on.  You can only drill down so far on health stuff before it gets depressing or disgusting (TMI – too much information).  The person suffering from health issues wants to have a good time, see friends and family, and take a break from suffering.  Get to the laughs, since it’s a rare skill to tell funny stories about illnesses.
3. If you can’t forgive or forget, bury the hatchet just for the times you’re together. (If it helps you focus, it really does more internal emotional damage to yourself than anyone else and is never, ever as cathartic as one hopes.)
4. If you notice a family member needs ‘help,’ think first, delay, and potentially set a reminder for yourself to meet with them privately . . . later. “Let’s have a coffee in the New Year!”  Big problems are not a party conversation.
5. Choose to view your family members for the whole person they are, and learn about the people they’ve become . . . not the children they once were (This includes elders, niblings, and kids (and recognize when they’re not ‘kids’ anymore!).  Share the nice stories about growing up together – not the embarrassing ones.  Don’t burden others with old family expectations.  Just because you’re family, doesn’t mean you know their every struggle.  Respect that.  Try to be intergenerational at family gatherings, I find it brings me joy.
6. Do it for yourself – you can be proud of yourself for being mature, and, really, only your opinion of your behaviour matters.  If someone else isn’t following the same approach, change the arc – change the topic of conversation, change rooms, take a break for fresh air, wash your hands, talk to someone else, or indulge in a refreshing your beverage – anything that lets you breathe.
7. Don’t speak ill of the dead.  Reframe the story and see the good in the past.  If you can’t (and it was abusive or awful), choose not to dwell or wallow and channel good energy into the gathering.  I’ve written and given too many eulogies.  Share nice memories with the old folks.  Be sensitive to emerging dementia and thank their caregivers who bear the brunt of the weight of care.  If you can, your gift can be an eldercare visit so they can get a break or do errands.
8. I’ve always found that with some family members that religion, faith, and politics can be an interesting conversation, but that’s my family.  We’re not too bad at being reflective, and having respectful conversations about important stuff.  Negative commentary on parenting styles, life choices, sexual or gender preferences, other religions or lack thereof, race, national origin, etc. should not find a route from your head to your lips.  The other conversations to avoid are about weight, baldness, acne, etc., that’s looksism and it’s never nice.  Always assume that they’ve put on their best face, outfit, and did their best to present well for the day.  No one really knows the mental, physical, and financial struggles they had to overcome to just get there.  Remember that telling someone they look tired isn’t really showing care.  Of course we’re all tired – it’s the holidays for chrissake!  It’s a common micro-bully comment.  Just say “You look great.  It’s wonderful to see you during the holidays.”
9. It’s great to tell the ‘girls’ or ‘boys’ that they’re pretty, handsome, or wearing a great outfit.  Balance it with how smart, funny, kind, or nice they are too.  All kids (and often wrongly targeted only at the ‘boys’) get excited and exuberant at parties.  This isn’t really from sugar (let them have some treats), they’re picking up on the energy in the room and have to put that excitement somewhere.  Just kid proof the place the best you can and enjoy the laughter, squeals, and joy.  (Also, please don’t do armchair diagnoses of ADD, ADHD, hyperactivity, TSD, etc. out loud.  Family gatherings bring out behaviours that don’t present most other places.)
10. If someone took on the lion’s share of hosting and cooking, thank them profusely.  If someone brought a dish, tell them it looks and was delicious. Don’t share your food issues, aversions, philosophies, special diets (except in advance), and just make good choices (buffets work well for this as the host). No real need to explain yourself or engage in criticisms of other’s choices.
11. If someone gives you a present, thank them immediately.  Never comment in front of everyone that you need the receipt to return it, you already have it, or what’s ‘wrong’ with it (that’s what charities and re-gifting are for).  Teach your kids in advance about this rule too. Micro-bullying has no place at family gatherings.
12. And last, but not least, never start a sentence with “I love them, but . . . “

Do your best, but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t meet your own standards.

I liked these memes below for handling those events when family members gather for that, often, once a year get-together.